Pleasure Doing Business
by shrieking minties 51
Summary: Things were going well in their squeaky-clean, high profile lives until the Uchiha heir started sleeping with another man, and GodBoy tried to convert the most cynical woman ever. But maybe, the disembodied voice declared, it was time to shake things up-A
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: the warnings list was too long to put in the summary. Yeah, it's THAT kind of fic...**

**WARNINGS: Very dark humour, references to suicide, religion, organized crime, gay sex, awkward sex, abusive and generally crap parenting, arranged marriage, threesomes, violence, drugs, redheads, Britney Spears and accounting **

**ALSO CONTAINS: OOC Zetsu, Pein and Sasori, and a touch of the deidara bashing...**

**Pairings: KakuHida, HidaTem, KisaIta, NaruSakuSasu, SasoDei, GaaLee, PeinKonan (most of these are only vague references)**

Once upon a time: there was a largely successful company called Sabaku stationary. A god-fearing tea boy, a deranged business tycoon who never slept, and his alcoholic sister, an accountant who acted far too robotic not to have several filthy, filthy secrets, the profoundly wise janitor who happened to be one of those secrets, a drug dealer-turned-evil-overlord, and a convenient series of events in a wealthy suburb that never expected anything remotely scandalous to happen within its borders…

**The first event began with a sleeping pill overdose-induced dream**

Unemployed, orphaned, friendless, and with nothing but a rarely home fuck-buddy roommate for entertainment. Hidan, an unusually silver-haired and purple-eyed man of twenty-something years had always been a happy child. He had been a positive thinker from day one- even going so far as to declare his intentions to write when his endearingly violent father kicked his and his delightfully hateful mother's sorry arses out onto the streets. He had grinned at the age of twelve when he saw the dilapidated shack that now belonged to him and his partner. He had never stopped hoping for a letter from age sixteen when his mother had simply disappeared, leaving no clues but a garbled note about finding her fortune in Vegas. He had even managed a high-pitched sound vaguely resembling a laugh when his penny-pinching boyfriend (who was much too old for him) declared that they were now irrevocably involved in an organized crime gang called Akatsuki.

Though, Hidan's currently fuzzy mind reasoned, staring despondently through several inches of bathwater over his head, that laugh had sounded a little more like a sob than a chuckle at the time...

And that perhaps it was this intense state of denial that brought him to his current predicament…

Swallowing a ridiculous number of pills and taking a bath, in hindsight, was probably not the most positive moment of Hidan's life- or the brightest move he had ever made. He had thought that Kakuzu finding him like this would be a pretty sort of show, like in the most depressing of pop music videos, everyone weeping over the poetic suicide scene before them.

He was only just realizing that he wasn't Britney Spears, and that he may well have just peed himself- he wasn't too sure, as he was completely immobile.

_God really, really hates me__…_he thought with an inward sigh.

"I really don't, you know…"

Far too out of it to be startled, Hidan gazed absently from his watery prison upwards into the face of a dishevelled looking man in his late thirties. He looked as though he had been on some form of narcotics for more than half of those years, and hadn't slept in weeks- through the water, Hidan could vaguely smell booze. And the glint of the man's ridiculous number of facial piercing was making his eyes ache.

"God…?" He burbled, voice resonating clearly through the water for reasons he couldn't fathom.

"The one and only, kid." the man offered a dry chuckle that Hidan did not return.

"God's a _redhead_?"

God rolled his eyes "and the meek shall inherit the earth…" he quoted himself.

"And the sunburnt shall be the basis of all creation?"

"Something like that…" God responded nonchalantly, "It looks like you're in a bit of a pickle, kid."

"Yeah… wait… Am I dead?"

"Not quite. I'm not done with you yet, you see. But I can only talk to my children when they're horribly deluded like this…" Hidan managed an ironic smile.

"I need you to do a job for me, Hidan."

Hidan scowled, he hadn't worked since he was eighteen and king-hit the boss for calling him a pansy.

What could God possibly want with a lowlife like him?

"You are going to go to Sabaku Stationery, on the other side of town…"

"You want me to sell pencils in your name…"

"And ask for a job. Any job. It doesn't matter."

"Why?" Hidan mumbled.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways… mysterious, mysterious ways…" Hidan thought he could hear a woman yelling in the background, God turned away from Hidan, "ALRIGHT BITCH! I'M COMING! Jesus CHRIST! Would you let me finish this first?! YEAH, YOUR MOTHER CAN FUCKING WAIT! FUCK!…. Sorry…" he said, turning back to Hidan, who simply stared. "Uh, I guess you can wake up now. Oh, and dump your boyfriend, he's a fucking wanker. Go fuck someone with tits."

"Don't tell him to do that!" The woman's voice shouted from the background.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch!"

The image of God faded from his vision…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hidan's lavender eyes snapped open to register the inside of a speeding ambulance, and the mildly annoyed expression of his soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend a few moments later, filled with a new, higher understanding…

God was a foul mouthed ginger…

_And I am his disciple._

"I will make him fucking proud, seriously!" he declared with a newfound bitterness, he turned his smoldering gaze to Kakuzu.

"Oh, fuck… it's alive." Said Kakuzu.

**A/N: WTF? I know! WTF, indeed. Don't pretend you weren't thinking it ^_^ Uhh... it IS a comedy, but it's a satire, so if you have trouble with morbid humour, run away... Oh, and review!! Please!**


	2. Chapter 2

Sabaku Stationary was a largely successful company, the headquarters of which were situated in downtown Konoha, in a high class suburb called Suna. Suna, as well as the home of Konoha City's most successful business' headquarters, was also home to most of the city's richest and most successful people.

And they all had brilliant security; Hidan mused as he was dragged bodily into the CEO's office and declared a terrorist.

"I'm not a fucking terrorist!" he bellowed from his position crumpled on the floor.

"Sir," the guard turned to "this man was causing a scene downstairs. He attempted to kill one of our head accountants."

"That sonovabitch started it! Kakuzu's got it comin' to him in spades, seriously!" Hidan cried. Kakuzu had taken being dumped remarkably well, insofar as he had successfully swindled Hidan out of keeping the house, car, and everything but Hidan's clothes (and a few condiments)- and simply ordered Hidan to not let the door hit him on the way out.

Hidan had been particularly annoyed when his drug-induced stupor had worn off and reminded him that Kakuzu worked at Sabaku Statiorery as well, meaning that even though they were no longer fucking, they would likely see each other every day- probably more each day than when they were actually living (sleeping) together. Upon spotting his ex on his way to a job interview (as God had requested of him), an argument had ensued, culminating, as most of their arguments did, in acts of senseless violence.

Now he had effectively been arrested.

To put it simply; God had screwed Hidan over more since speaking to him face-to-face than ever before… and he was not happy.

Faithful, of course, but clearly not happy.

He decided to at least try and get a job still… "Sir… I know this sounds really fuc- um, darn strange, but I have… -a feeling -I'm meant to be here today…and I was wondering", the feigned respect was burning him up from the inside…

"Spark…" the CEO, whom, Hidan noticed with awe, was also a ginger- just like God, spoke indirectly to the other occupants of the room, "Is what I look for in an employee. If my employees are boring, I have a nasty habit of ordering their termination…"

"You fire people for being dull? What the fu-"

"Termination of their life…" The CEO declared darkly. Hidan shivered. This guy was one crazy sonovabitch…

"You, Hidan, are completely out of your mind." the boss declared monotonously, Hidan stared at him incredulously. How did he know his name? "And have spark." he added smoothly. "You were looking for any job?"

Hidan stood up slowly and nodded.

"Tea boy." Gaara declared. "That's your job."

"WHAT?!"

"Tea boy. You make and serve tea and coffee to the other employees. We will discuss your wages later today, I'm busy right now." he was playing solitaire, Hidan could clearly see the computer screen. "You may start today. Now leave."

Despite the bizarre situation, and disgruntled as he was at getting such a dismal job, Hidan couldn't help but smile: his mission from God was, so far, a total success. He winked at the two security guards who gaped at their solitaire-playing boss as though he had sprouted another head.

Ten minutes after that. Hidan felt as though he had been hit by a truck.

"White with two, thanks." Temari ordered, turning around when she was met with silence. "… hey! Did you hear me?"

"Wh-what?"

"Can you…- oh, forget it." she said, waving her hands dismissively and picking up her mobile, "Just what we need, another idiot on the pay roll, well done, Gaara." she hissed under her breath and dialed.

Hidan was fairly sure that he looked like a moron. He was also fairly sure he didn't care. Before him sat one of… no, _the_ most beautiful woman in the world…

She was young, wearing an endearingly worried frown; her golden hair fell about and framed her pretty face. She had a perfect hourglass figure and a healthy glow… although her forest green eyes were a little tired. She looked natural and at ease- with a strong voice and good taste in coffee.

(Temari was twenty one. She had an angry scowling expression and unkempt dark blonde hair. She was fat by modelling standards and clearly had some loving relationship with a bottle of sake… her eyes were slime green, bloodshot and lined with lack of sleep, she wore no makeup and had abandoned her high heels upon entering the building, bellowing something about really, really needing coffee.)

She was perfect…

"Whiiiiiiiiite… wiiiiitttthhhh… twooooooo" She drew out her words and waved her hands in his face to elicit a reaction.

He should have gotten her coffee; he should have walked the Hell away and gotten her coffee like a good little boy. Instead…

"Do you believe in God?"

Temari's expression changed rapidly from exasperated, to bemused, to downright angry. "Get my fucking coffee."

"But... Do you-?"

"NOW!"

Undeterred, he walked to the lunch room wearing a giddy smile. "She's a grouchy, horrible atheist!" he sang to himself as he made her coffee, fanning his heated face, "I think I'm in love!"

Ten minutes after that; Hidan realized he didn't know how to make coffee.

"Aw, fuck!" Hidan cried as the boiling water cascaded over the bench, not one drop making it into Temari's mug. "They make this shit look so easy!" he flailed around the office kitchen for a moment, before finding a tea-towel and scalding his fingers in an attempt to clean up the mess.

"OW OW OW motherfucking OW!!!"

He heard a cough at the doorway, "Erm, need a hand?"

"Shit, man, that'd be fucking fabulous! If you could just- AH!" Hidan had turned to face his helper, and came face to face with a hulking, _blue_, mass of a man over six foot tall. He attempted to swallow the horrified exclamation bubbling in his throat, and simply said "Blue!- I mean, Hi!"

Kisame grinned easily at Hidan's shock, "Don't worry, that's one of the more polite reactions I've received. What's your name, kid?"

"I'm not a fucking kid, blue!" Hidan huffed, folding his arms, "the name's Hidan,- and I'm on a mission from God!"

"…right… I'm Kisame Hoshigaki."

"Blue it is." Hidan replied moodily.

Kisame rolled his amber eyes, "How strong didja want the coffee?"

"It's not for me, it's for… her." Hidan pointed Temari out- she was busy screaming in some poor employee's face about something.

"Industrial strength, you got it!" He laughed, "She's scary, huh?"

"Shes… incredible…" Hidan sighed wistfully, leaning against the doorframe with a faraway look in his eyes. Kisame gave him an off-look.


	3. Chapter 3

**The third event began with second degree burns, and a pair of glasses.**

Unlike Hidan, Itachi Uchiha had never really been a positive child. Or a negative child, for that matter…

Itachi was simply _there_, working wherever his parents suggested he go, doing whatever would please the family most. He had learned early on in his young life that opinions were only for people who had lives of their own with which to make mistakes. Itachi was born and bred to be an Uchiha- he was the perfect specimen of the pseudo-empire heir. Though the Uchiha family fortune had, unfortunately, been shrinking drastically in the last decade (most likely the fault of his fiery, but unfortunately brainless father), forcing the eldest son, for the first time in generations, to go to college and get a job for the _money_. Thankfully, his parents had just been rich enough to put him through college and still keep their astonishingly large house, and now he was an accountant. And a dismally stereotypical accountant at that… Nobody else in the office seemed able to detect even the slightest hint of personality one way or the other with Itachi. And Itachi himself lead such a scripted life that he was beginning to agree with them.

So, like any self-respecting robotic, accounting, rich boy would- Itachi harbored a dirty little secret…

That secret's name was Kisame. And it was just enough to keep him human.

They had met six months ago, in a dreary coffee shop downtown, his boss had ordered him to pick up the morning's coffee for everyone. Before; Itachi had inwardly wondered why Gaara didn't just employ someone for that job, now he was eternally grateful.

Most patrons of the coffee shop were horrified by Kisame's appearance, but after years of constant reading simply to avoid his father's accusing stares, Itachi had developed the habit of always having his nose buried in a book. He was passionate about books; they were a perfect escape from his rigid and depressing reality. And whilst reading the latest Harry Potter, Itachi hadn't taken much notice of the weird, blue skin and gilled face that characterized Kisame, who was working there at the time.

What he had taken notice of was the fact that Kisame had dumped an entire, boiling hot kettle full of water on his head, scalding his scalp and face and then giving him a great bruise on the forehead when the kettle had fallen from Kisame's shocked hands after the water. Itachi, not used to making a great show of being hurt, had attempted not to scream- instead; he uttered a whimper akin to that of a dying dog and dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

Itachi was fairly sure he heard three solid hours of apologies when he awoke later. He couldn't see Kisame's face, as the unbelievably hot water had managed to damage his eyes as well as the flesh around them. The doctors, Kisame said shakily, had told him that the facial scarring would be minimal, but they didn't know if the damage to Itachi's eyesight could be repaired. Itachi had told Kisame he needn't be bothered if he went blind. Itachi had always envied the blind, as they could never judge on appearances, and needn't worry about how they were dressed, and it would give him an excuse to wear sunglasses indoors and stop people from staring in terror at the blood-red shade of his irises once and for all.

Kisame had laughed heartily and confessed that before he possibly destroyed them, he had thought those red, red eyes quite pretty.

Itachi had known at once that he was in love. But, as is expected of an Uchiha, said nothing, and ignored every shred of emotion that he possessed. Thankfully, Kisame was an unusually perceptive soul…

He came to visit every single day of Itachi's hospitalization, and then met him regularly for drinks (anything but coffee) during his recovery. Kisame helped him find his way around the city without his eyesight, reading to him, generally being there for him, though Itachi had never asked him to be. Itachi had been ordered to wear the eye patches for three weeks, and they were easily the best three weeks of his life.

It had been the night before the end of those three weeks that he and Kisame had kissed for the first time. They were by the ocean, so that Itachi could still enjoy the smells and sounds of the surroundings, when Kisame had bashfully told him that he would secretly be glad if Itachi was blind, if it meant that he got to hold his hand and lead him through the city forever….

And also because Kisame was very, very ugly, and he thought Itachi ought to know that in case it came as a big shock tomorrow…

He hadn't been lying… but Itachi hadn't cared…

It had been the most romantic moment of the Uchiha's… hell, _any _Uchiha's life.

Snapping back to reality, Itachi let out a soft sigh as he stared at his pile of paperwork. Pile was an understatement… it was more like…

"Whopping great, gargantuan plethora of paper shifted into some haphazard, malformed, white tower staring at you in mirthful evil." A deep, gravely voice drifted over a second, much larger mound of paper to his left, as though he had read Itachi's mind. "Do you think we'll ever stumble upon the meaning of life under all these invoices?" Kakuzu, whom Itachi could not remember ever seeing the face of behind all that paperwork, asked casually.

"I am more concerned with going home sometime this month." Itachi responded monotonously, but secretly suppressing a smile. He wasn't really all that concerned with going home, Kisame had lost his job at the coffee shop and recently become a janitor here, and he worked late into the night as well, Itachi would have company.

Besides, the ornate granny flat beside his family's mansion was awfully lonely. Not quite as empty and depressing as the main house (which was bustling with servants and family that never talked to one another), but still a little saddening. At least in his flat a good hundred meters away from the main house, he didn't have to listen to his senile uncle (nobody could recall exactly how old he was) raving on about being a 'good boy'. Itachi's younger brother Sasuke's room was right next door to Madara's room (And the room of his beloved stuffed cat, Tobi… if you counted the fact that their uncle was _out of his fucking mind) _and the younger boy really had his pity despite the fact he and Sasuke hadn't spoken more than two sentences to each other in about six years. Itachi rarely spoke to anyone in his family any more. Especially since there wasn't much of his life that didn't involve Kisame, and Kisame naturally had to be kept a secret from his ape-witted father and Stepford-wife mother… though Itachi often wondered how Sasuke would react…

Itachi sighed again and moved mechanically through the invoices. Blinking rapidly as the numbers began to dance before his eyes and frowning when he realized that the blurring at the edges of his vision wasn't his long, dark hair getting in the way. He should really find his glasses, he'd been told to wear them since the accident, but flatly refused. Bad eyesight was a sign of weakness.

"Optometrists are not the enemy, Itachi…"

"Hello…"

He didn't need to turn around to tell who it was. Casting his eyes around the office to make sure no one was looking, and then leaning into the gentle embrace of the man behind him, Itachi allowed himself a moment of rest, "I'm fine, by the way." he murmured stubbornly, earning himself a peck on the cheek.

"Sure, sure…" Kisame chuckled, "I'll see you at lunch. Don't work too hard." he feigned lowering his voice, "Or you'll end up just like that walking calculator over there…" he jabbed a thumb in what everyone assumed was Kakuzu's direction.

"I heard that! And I _sew_, too, thankyouverymuch!"

"You hear everything."

"_Everything_." the disembodied voice of Kakuzu confirmed forlornly.

"That's why he's in an even fouler mood than usual today." Kisame explained to Itachi. "His ex, Hidan, is working here as of today, tea boy or something, isn't he?"

Itachi blinked "Hidan? The one with the really loud mouth?" Kisame nodded, "But I know him! I went to high school with him! I haven't heard from him in years, but… Kakuzu, isn't he a little young for you?"

Kakuzu grunted something unintelligible in response, clearly not willing to talk about it.

"Then again... he was never too concerned with anyone's opinion of him..."

Another grunt.

Kisame shrugged, "You should go say 'hi'" and wandered off towards his 'office', collecting the vacuum cleaner.

"A pretty-rich-boy accountant and a blue janitor… I don't care what you say, kid. It's fucking weird." Kakuzu declared, attempting to change the subject.

"And what is it that Hidan does, again?"

The most Itachi ever saw of Kakuzu, a tan hand flipping him off over the paperwork.

**A/N: sorry this took a while. I'm still having fun (slowly) writing this fic. School work jumped up my arse, and I had no time for anything else. Year eleven sucks. So, enjoy... and...uh... REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4

**The colour green.**

Friendly, sensitive, polite, having undiagnosed multiple personality disorder, dark, harsh, and rude, Zetsu had a habit of keeping to himself and avoiding the general public. This was largely because crowds tended to make him nervous (and he tended to make crowds nervous, too).

His occupation tended to keep him away from people, as he worked as a gardener for various rich garden-owners in the district of Suna- the places he worked differed enough to keep him entertained as well, as he found himself travelling between places such as the prison-like Uchiha manor and the decidedly nutty Sabaku Stationery HQ's front gardens. He loved nothing more than spending his days tending plants and unabashedly chattering away to himself.

_Well, _almost _nothing more_. He thought to himself darkly, a blush adorning his cheeks, (one of which was thoroughly smeared with dirt) as he tried to chase away thoughts of _her_. He wondered wistfully if she had ever even seen him. Something highly doubtful, as he often hid behind one plant or another when she was around to save anyone seeing the brilliant red shade of his blush, and she only had eyes for her insane, redheaded co-worker. He'd heard him bellowing her name along with orders on more than one occasion… "Konan…" Zetsu sighed, then rolled his eyes, mood and behavior changing abruptly… what did she see in that foul-mouthed ginger, anyways? He began work on a nearby hedge with such vigor that people began taking a wide berth around him in fear of being stabbed.

"Honey, honey, honey! You're doing it all wrong!" Zetsu froze mid slash as a slender pair of arms snaked their way around his waist "You gotta throw your _weight_ into it, like this… yeah…" He wasn't too sure why the shears had lowered themselves to crotch-level, as there was no plant there to attack- or why gardening tools suddenly seemed so phallic- but he didn't have to turn around to work out who was molesting him.

"Deidara,_ what are you doing_?"

"Nothing, Zetsu darling! I'm just teaching you how-"

"How to do the job I've been doing for eight years?"

The younger man released him, "I do it better, un!" Deidara winked, and then bounded towards the office building.

"Why does there always have to be innuendo, Deidara? _Why_?!"

"Because, dear, you need it from somewhere." Zetsu glanced down at a shorter, redheaded man- who was trailing behind Deidara with a great deal less enthusiasm. "All you do is _garden_…"

"_Die in a hole, Sasori._" Zetsu barked as the smaller man ambled past, "Oh and the boss needs to see you two 'immediately'…"

"Mmh…" Sasori's idea of immediately was 'sometime in the next century- we've got time…'

Zetsu rolled his eyes and waved his 'friends' away'; as stereotypically gay, and extremely annoying as Sasori and Deidara were; Zetsu was yet to find two friends who were more accepting of his… eccentric persona.

He raised his eyes skyward, to the boss' office window, and gave a tentative wave when he realized that Gaara was staring straight down at him from the window. Gaara merely stared back, eerie green eyes lined with lack of sleep, but still alert as ever.

* * *

Hidan started as a mug of coffee was slammed down on the bench unceremoniously before him.

"…the fuck? Something wrong?"

"You call this… this _piss_ strong?!" Temari hissed in his face, "When I ask for coffee, I ask for _coffee_." Hidan took a step back warily. "Not half a teaspoon of dirt mixed with lukewarm tap water."

"Well, I didn't actually make-…"

Temari cut him off, "I don't care what you have to say. I really, really don't care. I'm tired, and I have no coffee to remedy the situation. You have one more chance to get this right. Otherwise, I swear to this "god" person that you are so adamant exists: I _will disembowel you with a spoon_!"

Something in the back of Hidan's mind told him that he'd rather like being torn apart by her. He raised his eyebrows, "Is that a fucking threat?"

"You bet your arse it is. Make the coffee. And this time, make it right. It is your job, isn't it?"

"Apparently... God still loves you, you know!" he called, and frowned as Temari stormed out, "What a bitch…" he raised his eyes skyward, "you know, Lord… I really should be fucking furious right now. But… uh (I'm not really good at this praying thing), thanks, I guess. She's fucking awesome!"

He switched on the kettle; which promptly sparked and switched itself off. "Aw, damn it!"

A reader of this tale must be asked to remember, at this point that, while god-fearing- Hidan was not a particularly bright lad, and thus, immediately attempted to turn the kettle on again. This resulted in several more light sparks, followed by a very suspicious absence of any light sparks at all; in the entire building.

He wasn't really scared of that- he had an odd knack for surviving incidents such as these; but in the dark, it was very easy to become ever so slightly terrified of the sudden heavy breathing behind him. Especially when it was too dim to see a pair of familiar, tan hands before they latched themselves around his throat.

"I was _working_!"

"Kakuzu! Isn't this normally reserved for the bedroom?" he choked out.

"You- you… _EARGH_!"

"Alright, Kakuzu let him go."

Hidan slumped gratefully as Kakuzu withdrew his hands. Surprisingly, it was Temari who had ordered him to let go; he turned to where he assumed she was standing in the dark to thank her, and was immediately thrown back into the bench by a blow to the face- the object that hit him making a metallic ring which sounded suspiciously like a frying pan rapidly connecting with something solid.

"AUGH! For fuck's sake!"

The frying pan clattered to the floor, "I'm going to get drunk…" Temari huffed, and stormed out. Kakuzu followed- not before aiming a hefty kick at Hidan's shins.

**AN: I need to update more. I also need a life. And a brain. And KakuHida... So... bear with me if you like this story at all... and ****ZetsuKonan needs love. They both need love, full stop. Seriously? How can you not love the plant-man? I'm ashamed of you all! **

**I****... will hump every reviewer... 8)**

**not really, but I will love you forever?**

**longtime?**

**No, seriously...**


	5. Chapter 5

The quaint little bar had a few, quirky regulars (translate: residents). The bartender, Jim, had been working there for twenty years, and had seen many a frequent drinker come and go (they usually died, he noticed). But none were quite like the current regulars. And he wondered if these guys may just well be the death of him. They never caused any trouble, oh no… they were sneakier than that…

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"GAI-SENSEI!!!"

"LEE!!!"

The spooky thing was; he'd never seen them drink. Jim absently slid a beer towards a tall, white-haired man at the corner of the bar, "There you go, Jiraiya!" he called, Jiraiya nodded his thanks. He was half watching the display between the two shouting, green-clad men, half speaking to a friend of his, a beautiful, blonde woman with an ample chest.

Neither blinked when a second blonde woman, a lot smaller than the first, crashed into the room in a rage.

"Bad day?"

"'s not over yet. Drink. Now."

"What'll it be?"

She nodded towards Lee and Gai, "Whatever they had… happy juice? That'll do…"

Mildly alarmed by the fact that he hadn't actually served the men yet, Jim poured Temari a beer and tried not to look to worried when she bellowed threats, and threw furniture at the two men. "We're all friends here!" Jiraiya quipped cheerily, sipping his drink.

* * *

"I'm home…" Itachi called to the empty space occupying his flat. He tossed his keys onto the bench and shed his jacket, folding it neatly and placing it over the lone chair sitting before the small television in his sparse lounge room. The adjoining kitchen was sparklingly clean. This was unsurprising, as he never cooked and rarely ate. The only things that gave the room any character at all were the cupboard brimming with sweets, and the bookcase: every shelf was full to the brim, two books deep and two books high on every shelf, save one. On the highest shelf up, two things took pride of place: a ruined copy of a Harry Potter book, coffee stains making most of the words illegible, and a photo album.

He walked to the bookcase, pulling the album down; he flicked through the first couple of pages. Photos of old school friends. Hidan featured quite a few times. Itachi had forgotten how close they actually were as kids- there was even one of the two kissing (they'd been drunk, he recalled). Several photos of his brother also appeared (his personal favourite was one of him in a halloween costume as a _watermelon_). Then there was an obligatory appearance of his mother and father; the photo buried beneath a second photo of himself with another high-school friend, Konan- (she was quite the ugly duckling, Itachi vaguely wondered how the skinny girl with thick glasses and terrifying braces had become the stunning woman he knew today). He skimmed over these images, until he reached the last few pages of the album, and the only photos in which Itachi could be seen smiling over the age of fifteen; and in all these photos…

"Kisame." Itachi managed a faint flicker of a smile as he closed the album again. He had no idea why he was feeling so sentimental that night. Perhaps he should have gone to his boyfriend's house rather than stayed in his own, dismal building, God only knew how much of his things could already be found at Kisame's... everything from CDs to clothes, to the book he was currently reading… Kisame hadn't quite understood why he wouldn't take up his offer to simply move in- Itachi explained that his father would sooner behead his own son than have him move in with another man. Kisame looked spooked, and told him to take his things back, because he didn't want them to die.

His phone rang suddenly, dispelling his relatively good mood.

"Yes?"

"Main house, now. We have something to discuss" His father's curt orders left him raising an eyebrow in irritation- but he shrugged it off. He left his little flat, setting out across the manor lawn (knowing full-well he was treading through their gardens- and that it would drive his mother insane) to the main house.

He hadn't even set a foot in the door when he knew he was going to be receiving some Very Bad News. That was the only time that his father smiled like that… but he wasn't expecting said Bad News to be quite so baffling…

"You're going to get married, Itachi"

He couldn't even bring himself to sigh, he closed the door. "Am I?"

"Yes. To a woman." Itachi's mouth twitched. His father smiled that smile again.

"Good to hear." Fugaku missed the sarcasm completely. Itachi noticed this, along with a tall, hyperventilating figure standing a distance from his father. He wasn't sure, but he thought he vaguely heard the words 'oh no' repeated several times. "Sasuke" he nodded to his younger brother in greeting.

"Oh… ITACHI! Didn't see you there! Hah, nice weather we're having, isn't it? Oh, did I say that out loud?"

"Yes, and I would be ashamed of myself, if I were you…" It wasn't that Itachi wasn't fond of his brother, but he sure was fun to mock…

"Sakura Haruno!" their mother announced, swishing into the entrance room, clad in the latest fashions.

"She's a wealthy and beautiful socialite, son. One could do worse." his father said snidely, winking.

_Paris Hilton, lovely_… Itachi thought despairingly, but didn't say it out loud because Sasuke was rapidly turning purple. And also because that would likely result in his murder. Father Uchiha was not a patient man.

He eyed his brother warily, he could see Sasuke tearing up- surely, he wasn't that sorry for him. Something fishy was going on…

"We'll talk about this later." Itachi said suddenly.

"What's there to talk about?" his father asked, "I mean, save for wedding plans…?"

"Oh, engagement parties, her family, my soul and the rate it's being sucked from me- but that can all be discussed later." He muttered, subtly gesturing to Sasuke to meet him outside. "_Much_ later."

"Itachi"

"_Goodnight._" He huffed, and stalked out of the room.

"What's wrong with you?" Itachi hissed as Sasuke staggered after him.

"N-nothing…" Sasuke sniffled "at all. It's just… Sakura is… um… we're sort of…"

"Oh?"

"Dating…"

"Oh…"

"Only… not… really dating…"

"Then what-?

"You know… not dating…"

"… Oh!"

"Yeah…" Sasuke kept his eyes locked on the floor.

"Why haven't you told mother and father?!" Itachi hissed, "More to the point, why are you doing this?!"

"Because… we're not just… dating _each other_; you know our friend, Naruto?"

"You're sleeping with _both _of them?!" Itachi barely kept his voice at a whisper. Sasuke nodded, "And how old are you again? Seventeen? What the _Hell_, Sasuke?!"

Another nod, accompanied by a watery whimper, "I don't know what to do!"

"Well, don't look at me, Casanova! I haven't dated more than one person since I was your age!"

A sniff "… that's really sad, Itachi… "

"Yeah, but at least I'm not a slut."

"I'm not a-a slut… they both know about it…"

"I'm sorry..._What_?!"

"We all know a-about the relationships. We all agreed to- to _share_, you know."

"Oh, my god…"

"And we all like each other, I mean…"

"Stop. Stop right there. Please. I've heard enough. That, little brother, is what is commonly referred to as _fucked up!_"

"At least I'm not a virgin"

Itachi bit his tongue and left. Kisame's place did sound a lot more inviting, after all.

* * *

"Hey, Blondie" Hidan called as Temari entered the office kitchen, her initially calm demeanor slipped as his arrogant smirk wore at her nerves. He had, she noticed with a wince, a medical patch hiding three stitches above his left eyebrow.

Temari stiffened, "I believe…that… I may owe you an apology of sorts."

"No shit! Really?"

"Don't make this difficult." She hissed. Hidan, with an expression vaguely akin to terror, abruptly apologized and planted himself directly in front of the cutlery drawer. "Now… I… shouldn't have, I know reacted precisely as I did this morning… but I-"

"Eh- Kakuzu's done worse." Hidan interrupted, "It's not that bad"

"I still believe that I need to apologise for injuring you…"

"Don't worry about it, Blondie. I gotta be fucking crazy, but I'm not angry at you."

"You have stitches!" she protested awkwardly, "I think that's bad enough in itself to warrant an-"

He grinned, "A battle wound. It's kinda badass, actually. I- woah! _Fucking hell_!" Hidan kept himself pressed firmly against the cutlery drawer as Temari lifted him up by the collar.

"Would you _shut up and let me apologise_?"

"You're a fucking lunatic, you know that?!"

"I'm a lunatic who's taking you to lunch tomorrow to _make you know_ I'm sorry."

"I don't need you to take me to fucking lunch, what the-"

"We're having lunch because I'm sorry and you will damn well like it!"

"Yes. Okay! Christ! Let me go, woman. What are you, the fucking Hulk?"

She released his shirt, and he checked to see that the cutlery drawer was still closed.

"Good. I'll see you here at twelve tomorrow, and we'll go." Temari nodded primly. "I'll see you then."

"Yep. Oh, and by the way…" He called as she turned to leave, "Is this, like, a date?"

Hidan narrowly missed the toaster flying at his head.

* * *

**A/N: Jim is awesome. Believe it! Also, enjoy the abysmally late update XD- I got a little sidetracked and stuck on Death Note fics, and probably nobody will read/review this, now- because it's been ages. But whatever. I had fun. :)**


End file.
